


Colouring Book

by ahhtaestea



Series: The Soulmates From Afar [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Colours, Dreamies cameos, M/M, Soulmates, soft, thoughtful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:20:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27845918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahhtaestea/pseuds/ahhtaestea
Summary: What is colour, and why is it so important? This is a question Mark Lee had been pondering since the very beginning of his existence. He found a boy that provided him with all the answers necessary, and suddenly colour was not such a trivial topic, but a much more personal, meaningful experience.Life can be hard when it's literally all black and white for you.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Series: The Soulmates From Afar [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2038490
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	Colouring Book

How does one exactly describe colour? If one day I were to come barrelling towards you with questions uncertain, would you be able to answer? If I were to ask, “What is colour? What is it to see the basic foundation of our dreams?”, would you be able to satisfy that vermin of curiosity?

I always find that people who actually cannot see colour, people afflicted by the same thieving fate as I, have the most interesting interpretations of the word ‘colour’. 

As someone who sees, thinks, sleeps and dreams in shades of deformed grey, this has become a large factor in my life. 

I cannot even imagine what these hues would look like. All I have to go off of is grey. I could barely differentiate between a sunny day and a cloudy one simply by looking at the reflections that shone through my window. I’d have to venture outside and feel the chilly breeze that raised my skin or feel the heat of a thousand summers in order to know confidently. 

It’s sort of a thing that happens in this world. It’s a weird thing, but everything is weird nowadays. It’s to do with soulmates - that should tell you enough. 

With every stage you pass with your soulmate/s, you are able to see a colour. Eventually, by the end of your developing relationship, rumour has it that you should be able to see in full colour. 

It was always such a hopeful ideology, one that’d been around for centuries. Tradition wasn’t quite the word for it, but there really wasn’t a word to describe it. It’s just a way of living, I suppose.

My parents always refused to tell me what colours look like, or feel like. I begged and begged but the answer always remained the same. 

“Ma, what does purple look like? I bet it looks cool!”   


She’d laugh and ruffle my hair, then kiss my forehead.

“Minhyung, you should talk to your soulmate about that. I want you to experience it the way you should.”

Her answer was simple for that of a mothers, but there always felt like there was this emptiness in it. Like she was holding onto this grand secret, one that would be of great importance to my life, but was reluctant to tell me.

Even now at the pitiful age of 21 and still soulmate-less, she refuses to give me anything. Most people are exploring the waters with their soulmates at this age, some just beginning to find theirs. With this in mind, she would say ‘Wait, the time will come.” or “Be patient, Minhyung. Love doesn’t come easily.”

But I didn’t necessarily want love. Love was never guaranteed in the soulmate package - it was just someone who was deemed fit for you. You both had the same ring-shaped mark which would appear on your ring finger once you met and accepted your pairing, you both got to experience colour together and if you were the rare kind of soulmates, you’d get this ‘metaphorical’ bond (or some red string as some described it) that would appear when you were near each other. 

No where in the soulmate manual did it mention love. So where did this motion that you should love your soulmate come from? 

I want my soulmate to look after me, someone I could talk to. I wanted a friend in my soulmate, not a lover. It can work like that, right?

I sometimes look at myself from an outside view and think, “Wow, he really is pathetic.” It’s not hard to do, especially when you’re sitting in your university’s library reading a book that looks like it’s been around longer than the city itself and is about soulmates. I’m not even reading the book at this point - it’s closed on the table.

“What’s up with you?” 

Ah, the voice of Lee Donghyuck. 

He certainly was a character.

Unlike many people I’d encountered here, Donghyuck was a slightly darker shade of noisy white. His hair was a soft, shining silver. It didn’t look artificial unlike everything else I saw - like there was something missing, a blank to be filled which truly seemed odd considering this deformed reality of mine was all I had known thus far - but more natural. 

The first time I met him, I asked if his hair was actually that colour (which was stupid, but we’ve already established that I’m not the sharpest tool in the box). He said yes. 

The small victories always felt more sentimental. 

I asked if it was  _ naturally  _ that colour with full blown eyes. He said no. 

Deflation is a hard emotion to hide. 

I don’t know why I felt the way I did that day. I bet the silver looked absolutely stunning on him, so why did I feel so disheartened to find out that it wasn’t his natural hair colour? It wasn’t like I would be able to actually see what it was. If anything, this was so much easier for me.

But I guess, being able to see his natural hair colour would be nice too. Hopefully it wasn’t jet black like mine, that would be a little disappointing. Maybe a blue? Wait, do people even have naturally blue hair?

“What’s your natural hair colour?” I asked him suddenly.

Donghyuck’s eyes widened at the sudden question. “Why do you ask?”

“I’m curious.”

“How do you know whether I can see it or not?”

I just assumed that he’d found his soulmate by now. He was so outgoing, funny, youthful - he had to have met his soulmate. Especially when everyone was beginning to move on in life with theirs. There was no real reasoning behind this, but I felt like it would be criminal for him to not have met his soulmate yet. Besides, he dyed his hair. The probability of him seeing colour just went up a mile.

“You dyed your hair silver, you must know what colour it was to begin with. If you can’t see it, the hairdresser would’ve told you.” 

Donghyuck nodded, almost as if he were assessing my answer. 

“My hair is naturally brown.”

Brown. 

I remember someone saying that brown was a boring colour. The universe wouldn’t have given Lee Donghyuck a boring colour: therefore, I disagree.

“Describe it for me please.”

“What, the colour brown or my hair?”

“The colour. My eyesight appears to lack some seasoning as of right now.” I joked around, once again, pathetically.

Donghyuck chuckled though. Probably out of pity, but I’ll take it. Anything of his was worth keeping.

“Brown is like…” He began, putting a finger under his chin as he mulled over how to describe it.

“Please don’t make it sound boring because I know it isn’t.” I muttered, looking at him intently.

Donghyuck told me to wait for a second as he rummaged through his bag for something. He made a sound of relief when he managed to find it and promptly told me to close my eyes.

I heard some rustling and then something square-shaped was placed in my hand. It was soft and melted in my fingertips the longer I held onto it. 

“Eat it.”

“Is it poisoned?”

Donghyuck laughed but didn’t say anything else. I took that as a no.

I put the square in my mouth and hummed in recognition when I realised that he’d given me a piece of chocolate. It wasn’t as dark as dark chocolate, but definitely not oversweet like the white chocolate I used to devour as a child. It was a fair balance of both, but definitely on the sweeter side. It was most likely milk chocolate.

“Recognise the taste?”

I hummed in response.

“Okay, good. So, what I gave you is milk chocolate, which is brown.” He started off. “Describe what it tastes like, from it’s texture to flavour, everything that comes to mind as you eat it. And keep your eyes closed.”

I furrowed my brows as I focused on what I’d been asked to do. 

“It tastes...almost silky. It’s smooth and sweet - maybe a little too sweet for my liking - but enjoyable.” I asked for another piece and he kindly gave me some more. There was something nostalgic about this taste. No wonder it was a comfort food, it just felt… it felt… how do you even explain it?

“It tastes, no, it feels homely.” I settled on. “Like a flashback to the past. When things were simple.”

It was quiet and for a moment I panicked and thought that Donghyuck had left me sitting there, talking to the air. 

I almost opened my eyes until a hand covered my eyes from behind and wrapped me in a hug simultaneously. 

“Everything you just described, that’s brown. Brown is soft and homely. A lot of people have brown hair and brown eyes. Brown eyes are very pretty. They’re very welcoming - people with brown eyes often come across as kind and gentle, supportive, but also closed off. Brown is a very honest colour, but it feels secretive too. At least, it does to me.” 

Donghyuck wrapped his arms farther around myself as I leaned into his touch. It felt warm, comfortable.

It was then that I figured that Donghyuck probably has brown eyes. It seemed to fit his personality well from what he’d told me. 

“Hyuck, do you have brown eyes?” I asked gently.

He hummed, unravelling his arms from around me. “You also have brown eyes. Your eyes are very dark brown though. Mine are milder like a deep, sunken orange.”

I bet the brown in Donghyuck’s eyes only made them even more gorgeous. I imagined them to feel like the sun on a warm day or the sweetest honey I’d tasted. They’d sparkle in the light but would also have this twinge of bitterness. It’d be  _ so  _ much better than the twisted grey I saw them as.

“How is it? Seeing colour?” I found myself asking, opening my eyes.

Donghyuck didn’t say anything. He just stared at me. 

“What’s wrong? Is there chocolate on my mouth?” I started to rub my mouth aggressively, feeling a rush of sudden embarrassment.

Donghyuck smiled and took my hand in his, stopping it from almost shaving my lips off. 

It was then that I noticed that he had a mark wrapped around his ring finger, one which looked like a plant or flower. The stem was thorny and protective, harsh and unrelenting, and right at the top of his finger - just below his nail - was a closed bud, waiting to bloom and reveal its full beauty. 

“Can you really not see colour, Mark?” His voice was laced with something that I couldn’t detect, but it wasn’t something like pity or sympathy. He looked sorrowful, desperate. Like he had this hidden yearning for something right in front of him that he couldn’t reach. 

I shook my head innocently and suddenly felt this immense pressure and guilt. He looked at me like I was  _ meant  _ to be able to see colour, like I was meant to experience everything most others were getting to experience now. 

But Donghyuck smiled as he always does to get out of potentially awkward situations or protect himself from the hurt. And as usual, I didn’t press him for any answers towards his odd behaviour.

Pathetic, I know.

\-----

I was sitting on the edge of the swimming pool in the back garden of the rented beach house. We were all staying here for a couple days since we’d been given a couple weeks off school for holiday. Everyone threw themselves into the cool water recklessly, splashing each other, laughing carelessly, trying to soak each other with even more water than the pool had done itself - they were all so happy. 

Everyone in our group was able to see colour so far. They’d all met their soulmates and were with them now. Whereas I still thought in bland shades, soulmate-less and awfully outcast.

Smiling became hard when they would look at the water and marvel at the sparkling ripples or the ‘green’ of the leaves whose vibrance only amplified on such a day. It was depressing for me.

“Mark, come join us!” Donghyuck shouted, floating on his back.

“I am joining you!” I shouted as he floated further away.

“Sitting on the edge of the pool wishin’ ‘n waitin’ for you to gain some sort of spice in your eyesight like a loser isn’t gonna do anything. Now get in the pool.” He demanded, shifting so that he was in a standing position.

I sighed before gently lowering myself into the pool, everyone else cheering.

“Hyuck got Mark in the pool!” Chenle shouted, cupping some water in his hands and flinging it back at Jisung who had just started a war.

“Of course he did, Mark’s a simp for Mr. Lee Donghyuck over there.” Jeno said, earning a harsh glare from me.

Hyuck smirked, laying on his back so that he was floating in the pool. “What can I say? Who isn’t a simp for me?”

I sighed and rolled my eyes, ignoring the flash of heat that rushed to my cheeks. 

“Ah, the water is so nice, especially on a hot day like this.” Chenle mentioned after marginally escaping Jisung’s attack.

“The water is so cool, just what we needed.” 

I looked down at the water and saw the reflections of the ripples beneath me on the floor of the swimming pool. The sun must cast such a pretty glow for me to be able to find some hidden beauty in the pool. But I still couldn’t find myself satisfied.

Taking a deep breath, I submerged myself fully into the water and opened my eyes to the best of my ability. It didn’t look much different from down here, but God, it sure felt different. It was soothing and relaxing, like a cool relief to a burn. 

I rose back to the surface and flicked my wet hair, blinking rapidly in order to see properly. It didn’t seem like anyone had noticed my brief moment of peace as everyone was playing games happily with their soulmates. 

All but Donghyuck.

He swam towards me at a cautious pace, like he didn’t want to disturb me. I smiled though and met him halfway. 

“Whatcha doin' there, Markie?” He asked softly, running his hand through my soaked hair.

“Trying to guess what water looks like, but I don’t have any references to go off of.” I replied.

“Would you like me to give you one?”

I nodded.

“Okay. The water is blue, but there are many different shades of blue. This swimming pool is a lighter shade, like teel, whereas the sea gets darker the deeper you swim and the further away from the land you get.” He started off. “Blue is refreshing and cool, often associated with mint flavours, along with turquoise.” 

“What’s turquoise?” I whispered.

There was something so intimate about him describing colour to me. It was endearing, like a cherished secret that was only allowed to be shared between us. Donghyuck would always be the only one to describe colour to me. 

And it was then that a thought drifted past my mind, derived from one of my mother’s many talks with me. 

_ “Ma, why can’t you tell me what colour looks like?” _

_ “Because that’s not my job, Minhyung. That’s left for your soulmate, my dear.” She said quietly, and I failed to pick up the sadness in her tone. “Your soulmate is the only one who will be able to properly explain and describe what colour is to you, and when they do, you’ll be able to see the world with as many colours as you dare to do so.” _

_ “I want to see all the colours!” Little six year old me screamed at the top of my lungs, giggling away to myself. _

_ “Let’s pray that you do, dear.”  _

And it was then that the foolish thought of Donghyuck possibly being my soulmate passed through my mind. He was the only one who seemed to adequately describe what colour was to me, despite how many people I’ve asked. His answers were always so unique and fulfilling. 

I remember when he told me what green was. We went to the park and laid in the grass with trees overhanging as he said, “Green symbolises peace and safety. It’s the basic colour of nature. Grass is green, leaves are green, most plants are green, or have some sort of green in them. Green is innocence.” and it felt like I could see the multitudes of such a hue, and I could smell the fresh crispness of my surroundings, and all that floated through my mind was  _ green _ . 

It was then that I decided that green was not a very Donghyuck colour. It was far too neutral, far too good for such a mischievous soul, and if I were courageous enough to say so, borderline boring. In fact, there could not be a colour further from him. Green suited the Earth much more than mere humans itself, I concluded. 

But that’s okay, because one day I’ll find out Donghyuck’s colour, and it’ll be the best colour in the world. Why? Because it’s Lee Donghyuck’s.

For now, I’ll settle on brown. Yes, brown suits Donghyuck. A supposed warm, honest tone. 

“Turquoise is a mix of fairly medium blue and green, to put it simply. But for now, I’d say we should focus on the simple colours. Then we can start mixing them together. Who knows what we’ll create.” He said with a pure glint in his eyes. 

Despite the chaos ensuing not too far from us, standing there in the pool, face to face with Hyuck felt calming; soothing. I couldn’t even hear Chenle’s screams as Jisung sprayed more water on him. I was enchanted, hypnotised, by the sparkle in Donghyuck’s eyes. And for once, they didn’t look grey as they always had done, but they looked brown. I saw brown in his eyes, I saw that raw honesty in him yet also that prevailing concealed secret that was trying so desperately to escape. I couldn’t help but wonder what it was.

“Let me show you something.”

He dragged me further into the pool, the reassurance of the pool floor slipping away from me with every passing second. But I didn’t panic. I was too focused on his eyes. Besides, I trusted him in spite of his attempts at sabotaging that trust in the past.

We were treading in the deep end together, struggling to keep our heads afloat. I laughed at our struggle, thinking of how stupid it was for us to venture so far outwards. But I didn’t worry, because I was with Donghyuck.

He took a deep breath and submerged himself underwater. It took me by brief surprise, but I soon found myself copying his actions. I sunk under the water and opened my eyes slowly, the water hurting only a little.

When I didn’t see his figure in front of me, I furrowed my brows in confusion until I felt a small tap at my shoulder. I swiftly turned around and saw the man himself, smiling at me. I grinned back, once again enticed by his aura. 

Perhaps it was the heat that blurred my lucidity or even Donghyuck’s glow himself; either way I found myself gravitating towards him ever closer until we were barely pressed against each other. My hand drifted just above his waist, silently waiting for permission as to whether I was allowed to touch him. He nodded, closing his eyes and submitting himself fully to my hold. 

And I wanted to curse my lungs as they screamed out, crying for oxygen as we rested our foreheads against each other. I didn’t want to let go or rise back up to live, for this in itself felt like living. This in itself felt like being a child once more and scribbling messily into a colouring book with an array of crayons, bringing the once plain, black and white pictures to life. This in itself felt like beyond the limitations of life. 

We both kicked our feet in similar timing and rose above the water, gasping for air. We swam towards the shallow end hurriedly, not wanting to have to struggle to both breathe and keep ourselves afloat in the deep end. 

Once our breathing had regulated, we sat on the edge of the pool again wordlessly. I will admit, it was slightly awkward, especially after having shared such an intimate moment together and to now resort to this formality, but it is what it is. 

“Well damn, if that wasn’t some Romeo and Juliet sh-” Jaemin began only to get slapped on the arm by Renjun. I could feel my cheeks heat up again and quickly looked down at the water.

Renjun was scolding Jaemin as they both climbed out of the pool, Jeno following behind quickly. He whispered to the both of them and started off back into the house.

“Jisungie~ come with me to get some juice!” Jaemin shouted, waddling over to where both Jisung and Chenle were staring at each other, alert as to who could possibly attack first.

“Why don’t you go with your soulmates?” He asked, losing eye contact with Chenle. Jaemin subtly (well, what he assumed was subtle) gestured in the direction of both Donghyuck and I, and it didn’t take long for Jisung to drag Chenle with him into the house.

The tension between us was thick as ever, the air feeling more suffocating than the water. It was as if there was this ineffable bond pulling us together: closer, closer, closer until there was no space left between us. But as soon as we rose from the depths of the water, it was like all had changed, and that bond was weakened by ignorance.

I shocked myself when I spoke up first. 

“What colour was that?” I asked in a hushed tone, feet paddling at the water gently. I refused to meet his eye due to my prevailing cowardice, but how I wanted to.

When he didn’t answer right away, a flurry of nerves peppered all around my body, sending an unwanted shiver down my spine. Anticipating his response was possibly the most nerve-wracking thing I’d done all day.

“Perhaps,” He started, gaze still on the ever grey water. “Purple seems fitting.”

And Donghyuck’s voice was soft, like a feather gracing its presence upon you, stalkerish and haunting yet elegant and raw. The way how he very almost muttered ‘purple’ was enough to send you feverish with active eagerness as you awaited for the easter egg behind his choice.

“What is purple?”

He took in a deep inhale. “Purple is like turquoise, it’s a mix of two colours, one of them being blue.” He said oh-so cryptically.

I finally found the courage in me to look at the boy next to me and God, he just seemed to glow in the sunlight. It only made me ever more envious of the lacking colouring in my eyesight. “What’s the other colour?”

Donghyuck’s eyes reached my own and all breath escaped me. 

“I don’t know.” He whispered, sorrow peaking through his otherwise ambitious eyes. “Why don’t we find out together?”

The idea of doing something so innocently clandestine made my heart gleam with excitement.

“I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”

Donghyuck is the only person I’d want to discover colour with. And I am beyond satisfied with my decision.

  
  


We walked back inside to meet with the others having agreed that it was getting far too hot outside. They were hanging out by the countertop, sipping lemonade and conversing quietly.

Donghyuck went to get us both a drink, which I was thankful for. When he handed me the cup, he noticed something moving on my hand, causing him to scream and drop the cup, erupting the room into chaos.

“Mark, what is that!” He shouted, bolting towards whoever was closest to him (poor Jeno) to hide behind.

“I don’t know!” I shouted back, shaking my hand excessively to get rid of whatever it was.

“Why does it look like a leech?” Donghyuck screamed and soon everyone got involved.

“Leech?!”

“There are leeches in the pool?!”

“It’s not coming off my hand!”

“I better start digging your grave, Mark.”

“At least help me, don’t just stand there!” I yelled, distraught. 

Jeno (what a brave soul) cautiously walked up to me, wincing and quivering away every other step. 

“Quit shakin’ and man up, go get the stupid leech!” Jaemin shouted from behind Renjun.

Briefly distracted, Jeno swivelled his head around to snap back at his boyfriend. “Go get it yourself if you have such a problem!”

“Hell no, my blood’s too precious for a stupid leech.”

“Are you sure it’s not because leeches don’t believe in cannibalism?”

Jaemin hissed, almost running to attack Donghyuck before I asked them to politely remove the stupid ass leech from me before I actually died of blood loss.

“You can’t-”   


I gave him my best death stare which shut him up.

Jeno finally stood up to the challenge and got a napkin to pick up the black thing on my hand only to stop and stare at it, dropping the napkin altogether and grabbing my hand.

“That’s not a leech.” He started, inspecting it further. He looked up at me with wide eyes before a smile graced his face.

“What is it then?” I asked, bringing my own hand closer to my face.

“Mark,” He said, eyes flickering between me and Donghyuck. “That’s your soulmate mark.”

\-----

It was quite a while afterwards when I managed to get some time alone to speak to Donghyuck. With studying and work came lacking time, and then there were the weekly meet-ups as a group whenever we were free. There was no room for just me and him time alone in my schedule, and I was not happy about that.

Autumn was coming around and not much had changed. My soulmate mark remained the same, my friends had remained the same, family remained the same - it was all so regimen and routine. I needed someone to break this habitual routine of mine, and well, there was no other candidate who fit the specification better.

“So,” Donghyuck said with a mouth load of food. “Wha’ we ‘ere for?” 

“One, finish your food first before you speak please.”

“Oh sorry Mark! Didn’t know you were my mother.” He sassed, but promptly finished chewing his burger.

“Right. Anyways, I just wanted to spend some time with you. We haven’t had much time to hang out alone.” I mumbled.

Donghyuck smirked and leaned over the table to pinch my cheek. “Aww, is it because I’m your soulmate? Markie, you’re so cute!” He cooed, purposefully yanking on my cheek. 

I glared at him but he shrugged and went back to sipping his cola.

The topic of soulmates had brought up a distant memory of mine from quite a few months back. Back to when Donghyuck first described a colour to me.

“Did you know?”

He put some of his fries into the remains of his burger and took another ambitious bite, deciding that the taste wasn’t all too bad. Not too bad at all. “Know what?” He replied. Always so distracted.

“About us.” 

He laughed and sipped his cola again, doing so without looking at me. “You make it sound so serious. Lighten up Markie! Life’s good now, we both know we’re soulmates, next stage is to only accept the pairing - which I already have, you better hurry up - and boom, soulmates deal hath been closed.”

His happy tone bothered me, especially since I was thinking about this so much more seriously. There’s so much more to it than just ‘You’re my soulmate? Oh wow, everything is great now!’, because it wasn’t. There was so much more to solve, to figure out with this whole thing. Today Donghyuck was genuinely beginning to annoy me. 

“So you did know.” I concluded. “Hyuck-” 

But he wouldn’t let me finish, shoving a couple of fries into my open mouth. 

“I don’t wanna hear it, okay? I already know what’s running through your mind right now, and I can promise you Mark, it’s fine. I’m not hurt or offended or anything.” 

But he was. I could see it in his eyes when he practically pleaded for me to see colour.  _ ‘Can you really not see colour, Mark?’  _ Everything from the tone of his voice to his glistening eyes screamed desperate yearning. Everything was wrong. How could he say it wasn’t?

“I’m sorry-”

“No.” He interrupted again, slamming his empty cup onto the table. “No, we are not doing this today, Mr Canada. You aren’t about to apologise for not knowing, I forbid you to do so.” He shrugged again, keeping his eyes on the pattern of the table. “Like I said, it’s all good!”

“It’s not though…” I mumbled.

“What sorry?”

“It’s not all good though, is it?” 

Donghyuck lifted his head and looked me in the eye for the first time since we’d gotten here.

“It’s not all good because you were hurting as I stood by your side, oblivious like a damn fool. It’s not all good because I hurt you, and even now I’m still hurting you.”

It was quiet again despite the bustling around us.

“How’d you mean?”

“I still can’t see colour.” 

It sounded so selfish. I, I, I - everything about me. Colour, colour, colour - everything about colour. It was like those were the only two words I breathed. What was only more pitiful is that it was true that those were the two words that replayed over and over in my mind. But it wasn’t my intent to be selfish, no. I was thinking about him and how dejected he was when I told him that I couldn’t see colour. I was thinking about us going through life like normal soulmates except we were so far from normal. I was thinking about the pitiful melancholy Donghyuck would feel whenever he would look at my eyes and remember that all I could see was grey, for him to be reminded of a time in which he only saw grey.

“Yes you can.”

My head whipped up to face him with a speed I hadn’t known to be possible. Confusion must’ve been written all over my face in thick black sharpie as I could literally feel the creases in between my brows. Donghyuck, once again, kept his gaze on the table.

“You don’t always need to see with your eyes, which doesn’t make much sense…” He began to ramble, a cute minimal habit of his whenever he got flustered.

Donghyuck went on and on trying to explain his words but I wasn’t listening, because to be honest, his first sentence was enough for me to understand. 

“It’s you.” I blurted out and immediately felt myself blush profusely as my thoughts had once again escaped the close confines of my mind. 

Donghyuck stared at my dumbfounded and it was now my turn to begin rambling.

“When I’m with you, when I look into your eyes or share my time with you, I feel like I can see. Like I can truly see. I don’t see blobs of grey, black and white, it’s as if some part of me can see brown, I can see orange and blue and green. But I can’t which makes this all sound stupid but it’s how I feel and it’s only how I feel around you. And it’s terrifying because only you have that power over me, only you can render me speechless or startle me with your descriptions of such otherwise trivial things, only you can make me see. You make me see with my senses - through taste, sound, touch. There’s an irony to it, such a complex irony  that I find myself even more intrigued by you every day.”

I took a deep breath and bowed my head low. I started to tear up much to my great displeasure, purely because I’d never been so honest to someone about my feelings before. I’d never even been that honest with myself, and it’s scary to have to realise all of this at once.

“Mark, breathe.” 

And the storm was calming and the rain was yielding, though a few droplets escaped the clouds. Warmth was a familiar feeling when it came to Donghyuck, and so when he held my hand I gripped it tight, because this is what orange felt like. This was honesty, this was joy, this was serenity. I gripped his hands tight because this was green. This was peace, this was safety, this was calm. I gripped his hands and I sure as hell didn’t let go because this was also fear, this was danger, this was apprehension, but for the life of me I couldn’t associate this with any colour.

There was no one colour for this feeling right now, it was a blend of all that I had discovered so far. This was a flurry of raw emotion and brutal truth.

So I held onto his hands like I was hanging on for dear life, because Donghyuck wasn’t just one sole colour. He was a gorgeous mix of all of them. And if this is what it felt like to kiss a rainbow, then I wanted to savour every moment.

\-----

It happened to be the day where I was painstakingly tough on her, the day when I asked a question which demanded nothing short of a truthful, honest answer, which would undoubtedly open up a sea of vulnerabilities. 

“Ma, can I see your soulmate mark?” I asked.

She hummed in response and showed me her left hand. Her’s, unlike Donghyuck’s, was wrapped around her wrist in a similar shape to that of her wedding ring. There were no thorns or even many leaves to be honest - just small roses and baby breaths in the gaps. 

Mine was nothing like hers. In fact, mine was most similar to Donghyuck’s. Vines spiralled upwards to just below my fingernail where a closed bud of an unknown flower awaited to blossom. My mark didn’t have any harsh thorns like his: mine was more welcoming and open. However, they both looked as two peas in a pod - similar even with all their differences. I could envision both stems intertwining together to create a beautiful archway, and perhaps somewhere in my wild imagination, I saw two figures under the archway, smiling effortlessly.

But there was something missing - colour. I’ve received my soulmate mark, why can’t I see even the faintest confirmation that my life was finally moving forward? I can’t even differentiate the vines from my mother’s own hair, they both merge into the same shade of dull grey.

She noticed me staring at my own mark and fawned over it, grinning as I’d  _ finally  _ found my soulmate. She pulled me into a warm embrace and bombarded me with questions about them, but I couldn’t even smile. There was no satisfaction with this mark, only confusion and frustration. 

She held me by the shoulders and looked at me. “What’s wrong, Minhyung?” 

And it was then that the annoyance I held for my soulmate grew into something beyond.

“Ma, why can’t you see colour?”

You see, it all was starting to piece together now. All the cryptic answers to the questions I plagued her with as a child to the sadness in her eyes whenever I would wish to see what most would be able to by now. It was so obvious, I was almost mad at my little 8 year old self for being so oblivious to the signs.

She stared at me flabbergasted, but I didn’t know why. Did she not expect me to find out? Was this really of that little value to her?

“Please don’t try to hide it.” 

She nodded and ducked her head in shame. There wasn’t anything for her to be ashamed of. I just wanted to know why. What had happened to have made fate turn on us so strongly?

But as she was about to unveil the secret, I hushed her quickly and took a moment to myself.

My whole life so far has revolved around this one word: why? More specifically, one question: Why can’t I see colour? It was the basic foundation of my existence up until now.

Did I really want to break that foundation? As oppressing this question had been, as negative of an impact it seemed to have, upon meeting Donghyuck, something had changed. 

Why turned into what: what does this colour look like? What will we be in the future? What is your colour?

I didn’t need an answer to the why now. I didn’t need to break the scaffolding. From here onwards, the project only moves forward, life moves forward,  _ I _ move forward. Moving forward meant layering the bricks. Moving forward meant using that foundation as a base, but building off of it. And as life moves forward, the scaffolding is removed, and the machinery becomes redundant and the final product stands tall in all it’s glory.

If I were to break that foundation, that would cause problems down the line. If I were to break that foundation, that would cause a rupture in the flow of life. I didn’t want that. 

I explained this all to mother, and she woefully accepted it. She smiled as she awed at my maturity, but she was saddened at the situation. Truthfully, so was I. I hated it. From the blueprinted plan to the mere pencils that sketched it, I wanted to burn it all.

But this was my future, or as some would say, my legacy. I would not see colour, not physically. However, a boy once told me that you did not need your eyes to see, and so with that in mind, I picked myself back up and walked over to another brick, wincing at its weight. It was painful but it was necessary in patching together something that would become beautiful.

My life was starting to go back on track.

Perhaps I’m not so pathetic anymore.

\-----

Red. 

Danger. Fear. Lust. Survival. Passion. Love. 

Red is a feisty colour. 

Red is the feeling of lips upon lips, skin upon skin, sin attracting towards sin. Red is the desperate want for something more, the burning ambition to gain more. Red is greed and thirst. 

There’s something about red that drew me in. Red felt enigmatic, like there could be an eternity of endless possible connotations to such a colour. 

I figure that red is also a very Lee Donghyuck colour. Or perhaps it was our colour. Under the water felt like red. It felt like this need to have more. Holding onto his hands felt like red. It felt like danger and fear, the fear of being so vulnerable and open. Everything felt red.

But even as I thought of it as us together, my thoughts always drifted more-so towards Donghyuck. It was always Donghyuck.

Red suits him well, but I suppose all colours suit him well. Even green. 

\-----

If you were to come barrelling at me one day with questions uncertain concerning the basic foundation of our dreams, I do believe that I would not be able to give you a satisfactory answer. Not due to my lacking sight of colour, no not at all. But because I would answer with something seemingly lame and pathetic. However, once you understand the meaning behind my words, perhaps you will begin to open your mind to a world in which anything is truly possible. 

And so, when asked the simple question of, “What is colour?”, I will stand there patiently and I will smile aloofly, and I will recite these words, “Colour is much like art. It is subjective to yourself and relies on your own experience. Colour is personal, do not ask others for their interpretation as it will differ from yours greatly. Find your own definition of colour. Trust me, it’ll be fulfilling.”

And for the rare occasion that they don’t listen to my old fashioned words, I will gaze off to my side where the rainbow itself is grinning cheekily at me and answer, “What is colour to me? To me, colour is a boy with a smile as great as the sun and a heart as big as the ocean.”

“What’s his name?” the child will ask. 

“His name is Lee Donghyuck, and he happens to be my soulmate.” I will respond. 

And the child will be satisfied. 

I will turn to my partner and grasp his hand and I will feel the rush of raw emotion and brutal truth hit me abruptly before I ease into it. It’s like that every time - risky, yet fulfilling. 

And we’ll walk together at a leisurely pace as the sun sets beyond the horizon. And the grass will be green, and the sky will be a gradient of purples and oranges and I will be able to see the world with as many colours as I dare to do so. 

It was risky, but it was freeing. There’s nothing more liberating than feeling free.

So I ask you now, regardless of any stupid excuses you wish to throw my way,  _ do you dare?  _

And eventually, you will answer to the universe with hesitant uncertainty in which it will grin at you heartfully because to be scared is to be brave.

Go find your colour, no, go  _ make  _ your colour. And you better make it the best colour you’ve ever made before. Either way, there will be no colour greater than that of which falls to you naturally.


End file.
